ImBillPardy

I Don't fucking get Lemongrab. There I said it. I Also made the damn costume and I wore it and I don't get it. Dragon Con made me come to this conclusion when I saw all the reactions it got and it confuses me. To give it a bit more context I wore Lemongrab last year at DC13 and got a good reaction (my BMo Noire got alot more love), but I wore it this year and holy shit. The screams of both myself and the people still echo in my head. Granted I did make a new head and made my friend wear the old head to be Lemonwhite, but in no ways did I anticipate people approaching me and saying it's the best thing they seen all weekend (really?) or their favorite photo they got had us in it (oh come the fuck on!). It confuses and scares me.

Also we did achieve the ultimate compliment, FREE BOOZE! I Always thought in the realm of cosplay the only way to get free drinks is if you're attractive, female and....well, not even in the world of cosplay, in the world of life. Somehow wearing a lemon on our heads made people quick to offer us whatever alcohol they had. The fact I was the more belligerent of the two also made people believe I was a raging alcoholic as well (yay?). Then again I don't know if we somehow found the perfect costume or something because we also got the compliment we were one of the few things guys would take pictures of that aren't attractive girls. It is also when they say this I mashed my chest together as hard as I could to give the illusion of boobs, to which they got super disturbed.

I'm not complaining mind you. I Mean I got the best reaction ever when the cosplayer BelleChere was posing all sexy and fierce like as Ivy from SoulCalibur and saw the giant mass of yellow head approach and she broke character in the photo because I suddenly saw her eyes light up like a goddamn Christmas tree and not in horror or disgust or "WTF?! IS THAT?! KILL IT WITH ALL THE FIRE!" but actual joy. It's an awesome reaction, mostly because she seems to know what the fuck she's doing. Her cosplay and knowing patterns and shit, fantastic! Me, I literally feel like I'm robbing a liquor store with lemons glued to my hands and no way to hold a bag to even carry the cash. Hell, the reaction I have come to expect is the one I believe Yaya gave me over a year ago at Dragon Con 2013, when she gave me the "WTF ARE YOU?!" look. Which I returned the favor to her as well (didn't work out as well for me). Also I think I literally just named all the "professional" cosplayers I know. Ignorance and my will to dehydrate and kill myself will forever be one of my strong points in cosplaying I like to believe.

If anything this kinda does conclude that cosplay, I still have no fucking idea what I'm doing. Though also because of this STUPID found attention I'm now slightly contemplating not retiring Lemongrab because of pure ego and stupidity.

So anyways next year the plan to get me killed or dying of dehydration includes...

-Robo Scratchy (from Itchy and Scratchy Land episode of Simpsons)
-Bender (because I should learn how to say no to friends, but sadly they know how to reason with me)
-Lumpy Space Princess (tired of seeing human versions, time to show people what a lack of awareness in life and death can do!)
-Banana Guard (simply because me and friends want to do a large group of them)
-Upgraded Bunch of Baby Ducks (because Regular Show is awesome and cosplay for that show is scarce)

I Don't know, may do more, I'm sure SOMEONE will remind me what else I need to do since I lack the will to say it's a bad idea unless a million people have done it or just plain terrible reasoning I should attempt it. Though I'll probably drop by NDK for a day to hang out with friend(s?) and maybe bring Lemongrab, but we'll see. For now I have to plan for next year and by plan I mean a goddamn wing and a prayer hoping I get this shit right!

Right now I'm working on my Duncan the donut cop cosplay from Wreck it Ralph and if my half assed scheduling and planning is any indication, I should probably get it finished by end of this month (with a month to spare before Dragon Con!). Now this leaves me time, which leaves me antsy, which leads to either the best ideas or the worst ideas, I can't tell. What are these ideas? Well, donuts are universally awesome. Even take away the frosting, you got bagels, which are still awesome. So with the costume being a giant donut, the only logical thing to do is go to donut shop and get free donuts.

How does that work? I Don't know! People like giant foam mascots (or in my case foam mascot held together by pool noodles). So in my head I go in, they'll be so amazed by my Duncan cosplay that they'll literally give me a dozen donuts for free and ask for pictures. I Don't see how this can go any otherway. I Want to try and do this all day and see how many free donuts I can rack up or in the very least get pictures of me staring into the windows of donut shops and looking horrified that people are cooking and eating my people alive. Like I think it through and this idea sounds so good that it maybe wrong and I'm overlooking something. That and I want to say usually by the third donut I get sick of them and if I have abuncha boxes of them...well, I don't know what I'd do. Part of me wants to get as many and chuck it at old people...or give it to real cops.

Speaking of real cops I asked one of my friend's friend's who is a for reals cop if he wants to come along and wear his uniform or whatever while I possibly go through with this dumb idea and treat it like a buddy cop thing. This costume works on so many idiot levels that I don't see how it can't work. So that's my idea, we'll see if I do it next month. Man, cosplay be serious business yo.

Denver Comic Con is over! Yay! Boo! I Don't know! I Have mixed emotions! Friday I was excited and giddy, but once Saturday hit I was tired and beaten. I'm debating if this was due in part to on Saturday dressing up as a Washer and putting all my leg muscles to the literal test. It was exhausting. Like there's a feeling there is an obvious easier way to dress up as a washer and being to scale, but the thing is though my friend is stupid and in turn WE'RE all stupid because we can't think of another way either. So instead stuck in this contraption that if it hits a crack or ditch it becomes a trap and almost feels like it's one step away from somehow exploding or...literally, there is no other step of how much it sucks when you get stuck in the damn thing because the only other thing that should happen is it explodes. So maybe that's why by the time Saturday was over I needed to sleep. That or it MAYBE because I saw an ass that I did not ever want to see in my life because some girl's should understand there is such thing as too short a skirt, especially if there's no boy shorts to better protect it, but instead I can't tell if it's a piece of string or going commando. Eitherway I did not want to see that and...God, yeah, I think that's what made Saturday the thing that made me want to sleep and forget. It's like World War II with the Japanese seeing two mushroom clouds except two buttcheeks instead. The environmental and mental damage is still to be seen though.

Oh and BMO Noire touch ups worked! Yay, no more bullshit tape suspenders, instead hoodie laces and used Guitar Hero guitar straps! I Also got to admit it is a bit of hipster cosplay mostly because you see it on the surface and not get it or you'll have seen the episode and get the reference and be in a weird insider club and suddenly there's new weird depth. I Don't know how I feel about it explaining it like that. It makes me feel like a goddamn tool and a tool over a kid's cartoon is the worst kinda. Though with that, how? How the fuck did I get forget the "BMO!!!!" screams? How? It was so apparent once i put it on and people began yelling it. It rolls off the back of your throat like a "THANKS OBAMA!" or singing the Spider-man theme to the beat of nearly any song. Also with the costume the height it is, the children who approach it and the lack of being able to tell where sound comes from in that coffin I'm surprised I have literally not ran over any children wearing that. Also hey! I Wasn't assaulted while wearing it this time! ...Well, except when my friend's wife jabbed her wand into my speaker hole.

So yeah, fun time. I Look forward to possibly getting another free pass next year to enjoy it again and see what times ensue or if I lose all circulation to my fingers finally. Until then, Dragon Con is next.

Remember that episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force in I think...the second season(?), where the Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future shows up to remind Carl of his Christmas he had as a child when he had to eat carpet and work in the mines? You don't? Well luckily they have it on youtube!

 
Anyways, what's that clip got to do with anything? Vaguely much in terms of what's on my mind. Past few days I've been on the verge of a weird mental breakdown.

You see, I've been watching ALOT of The Wire. An HBO show that's really just like Game of Thrones; it's an hour long, alot of slang and dialogue that takes repeat viewing's to understand what they're saying, way too many characters each with their own subplots and characteristics that the show throws at you and it takes place in a magical land you'd never want to visit (Baltimore!). Only difference is alot more black people. ALOT. Also replace dragon's with double barreled shotgun and really you got Game of Thrones. Most importantly, the show is pretty depressing like Game of Thrones, but The Wire somehow feels MORE depressing because of it being relatable. So past few days my life has been filled with strippers getting rolled into a rug over OD'ing n coke, people trying to put their lives back together from drug addiction and living shit lives and people unable to get out of the game. It's alot for a show and it moves fast and somehow this has spiraled me into having a panic attack on Saturday.

On Saturday, after watching a ton of The Wire I started flipping out. Like pacing back and forth for two hours or so rambling on and on. About what pray tell? The dumbest, nerdiest shit possible of course! I Have Dragoncon coming in four months and somehow four months and watching a show about abunch of cops trying to wire tap pay phones equals me freaking out over finishing my damn costume. My costume in itself I guess show's how my mind works for better or worse, which is finishing my costume of the damn donut cop from Wreck it Ralph. I Don't know if I should feel like an asshole about that or not. Because I got nothing against cops, hell I know a cop! I'm friend's with one and he's on my XBox and everything and he told me about how he to drag a dead body out of a river once.

Besides the weird moral implication of I guess inner monologue cop racism (I think?), there's also the fact that since I'm waiting to see what my friend does for materials, there's not much I can do. I've basically made an outline and everything, but I don't want us to look fashionably out of place so I'm waiting on him now and my God, this has been stabbing at my brain all week now. Ever since that Saturday I have the dumbest dreams ever and I say dumb because "cosplay anxiety dreams" sound stupid no matter what the context. That and I can't just go to my friend's and ask them if this ever happened to them because what the hell kinda term is "cosplay anxiety dreams"? Hell I remember the night after I had that weird sudden panic attack and went to sleep I dreamt I had a job interview in Seattle for some reason and in this dream I realized "hey! Wait a minute! This is a dream! I Got to wake up and work on my donut costume!" From there the dream turned into me running and trying to wake up, until I finally did and saw it was 7AM and wondered what the fuck am I panicing over. Since than I've had those same kinda dreams and it's driving me insane!

Also I suck at writing conclusions when they're about me so I'll just say what me and my friend's always say. Cosplay is hard!

Man, today was a nerdy day. Free Comic Book day and Starfest. One of them was crammed with more people than last year, the other...um, well, the other shouldn't have taken a dump in the sink and timed it's event to go against Free Comic Book Day. First off Free Comic Book Day was cool, it let me continue bitching about how much I hated Amazing Spider-man 2 and gave me weird uncomfortable emotional feelings. Case in point, other people cosplaying outside of cons when I'm not wearing a costume or with someone wearing one triggers a weird fear in me I notice. Like "I should've brought a costume or better yet these people may know and I'm not wearing one. Oh God! Why did I not bring a costume?! *gasps* *wheeze* Holy Shit! They're going to judge me! OH GOD WHY DIDN'T I BRING ANYTHING?!?!"

Anyways, Starfest. Where I didn't bring a costume, but for some reason felt it upon myself to play cosplay P.A. for my friend and was excited for it. Fuck, my life got super sad didn't it? Besides that for big cumbersome costumes I feel it kinda is necessary to be there for friend's because it helps them and blah blah blah, but hey it's also great for people watching and people watching while doing that is weirdly awesome. Now my friend was Pyramid Head, meaning his peripheral vision was jack and shit outside of seeing things to the side. I Knew that, he knows that, other people know that; but those other people don't know that I'm stuck behind him as a P.A. and I can hear and see everything they do and it's...pretty wicked awesome.

For one: the insanity workout works and my friend goddamn attested to it in stride by going as Pyramid Head without a shirt on. How else did it work? Because both genders took notice and complimented or did double takes, some made it apparent to him, while alot did it from a distance thinking he wouldn't notice. Guess what? I DID THOUGH! I'd be bored as fuck if my ears didn't perk up or my eyes didn't do the equivalent of perking as well (bleeding profusely from staring?) everytime someone made a move or comment without me noting it. So females AND males doing double takes and looking and very shyly asking for a picture. I SAW YOU! Guys complimenting on my friend being shredded despite his back not really being super defined (from my perspective, but whatever). I HEARD YOU! Drunk girl with the big titties getting infront of me to get behind my friend and making motions of wanting to feel him up while giggling as your boyfriend or friendzone friend or whatever looked on slightly demasculated. I DEFINETELY SAW AND HEARD YOU AND WAS WATCHING AND WAITING TO SEE WHERE YOU GROPE! (the shoulders by the way)

Besides that, the cosplay itself meaning the stuff that wasn't defined by a fleshy spongy human body was good too. The sword was obnoxiously huge to the point where it didn't need to be that huge and the head was defined and didn't sacrifice the looks with limited eyesight. So with that said, I get to watch the people sippin on Haterade too. Little kids walking past my friend while under their breath talking shit as if you think you may get into a fight with him because little kids fear things they don't understand? I HEARD YOU! I HEARD EVERY WORD! Same with people making straight up angered looks and each and everytime like clockwork looking and making a face. I SAW YOU TOO! PUT YOU ON GODDAMN GAME! I GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO BESIDES LOOK AROUND AND BE AWARE LIKE UATU THE WATCHER! EXCEPT I'M NOT ON THE MOON AND I AIN'T WEARING A TOGA AND I ONLY DON'T INTERFERE BECAUSE I KNOW YOU GOTTA STEP UP COSPLAY GAME NOW OR WHATEVER!

So cosplay P.A. is fun. Only downfall is missing the chance to give out a card to advertise my friend's shameless whoring of himself on Facebook. Not as fun as cosplaying itself, but it's a weird new way of people watch or being a spy with people barely knowing. Outside of that the con was basically a dead zone with really not much to do besides wandering back and forth and people watch and really question some choices in costuming. Oh and hanging out with friends and all the basic stuff though it did remind me I know alot of cosplay people, but if you were to ask me to remember their names...I'd have an easier time vomiting out blood with a good majority of them.

Also I was reminded today that eventhough I listen to a shit ton of music and try and keep an open mind, it seems I'll always be a metal head at heart. It's like a secret fraternity where if you wear the shirt, hoodie or whatever apparel of a metal band it's like seeing a friend and we all know each other. Case in point, wearing a Mastodon hoodie (when it was balls out too hot to wear a hoodie) and getting props from random strangers. Pretty cool, you don't get that when you rep a rapper or easy listening music.